TLDR: Caring for our ageing parents can be challenging. Yet, by practising love, compassion, joy, and forgiveness, caregiving can become a path of Buddhist practice in everyday life.

Ageing can sometimes feel scarier than death. It is a slow spiralling towards one’s death, and it affects the person who’s dying and those around them. The Singaporean movie A Good Child explores dementia and its impact on caregivers who must juggle careers and caregiving responsibilities. I explore the different Dhamma themes I uncovered when watching the film.

Loving-kindness (Mettā)

Love can be loud and rough around the edges. At other times, it can be soft and gentle.

Jia Hao, a drag queen, takes care of his mother, Ju Hua, who has dementia. Even while grappling with childhood trauma and frustration inflicted by his parents, he continues showing up for his mother. He stays when it matters most.

Jia Hao’s partner, his boyfriend, stood by his side. He offered space for Jia Hao to vent, gently called out his insecurities, and allowed him time and distance needed to care for his mother.

Sometimes loving someone means not “chaining” them down. As one gentle sign in a park reminds us:  “Please admire the flowers by not plucking them so that others can admire them too.” 

By breaking down the word “Loving-kindness” into its two root words, Love and Kindness, I believe that even when we struggle to love fully, we can still choose kindness.  One good example of this was when Jia Hao wished for his pregnant sister-in-law to take care of herself. 

Love is not a performative act. It is not love only when others can see, hear or praise it. Love is when you can express it in whatever form possible in the simplest ways.

This is exemplified through the dilemma of an older brother in the sandwich generation (someone who has to take care of both elderly parents and younger children), who has to travel frequently for work and has a new family. 

I grapple with this myself. I live and work in Singapore while my ageing parents live in Malaysia. While my middle brother cares for them directly, I often feel uneasy about not fulfilling my role as the eldest son, creating an emotional tug-of-war. My parents sacrificed greatly for me, mortgaging our family home to send me to the USA for my studies. Yet I did not complete the Computer Science degree they hoped for. I send a sum of money home monthly to help support my family, but is that enough? How else can I express my love and repay my parents’ kindness in their waning years? 

Compassion (Karuṇā)

How can we stay compassionate towards those who have hurt us? Compassion may grow more easily when we understand that they, too, have suffered. Their behaviour may not be a true reflection of their feelings towards us. 

For example, corporal punishment such as caning or scolding for misbehaviour may serve as a way to protect us from harsher discipline inflicted by others. In A Good Child, Jia Hao was punished harshly by his mother when he was young. Looking back, we see she was trying to protect him from worse treatment from his father. While corporal punishment is no longer encouraged, her intention was rooted in care, even if expressed unskilfully. 

Compassion Starts with Oneself (Self-Compassion)

One of the most mouth-gasping moments in the movie is when the sister-in-law suggests sending the mother to a nursing home, providing a SWOT analysis of the nursing home options. The initial reaction may be: “How dare she?” This is as unfilial as one can get. 

Spoiler alert: We learn that the sister-in-Law is pregnant, which explains why she can’t take care of the mother. 

Upon further reflection, it was a wise move. Compassion needs to start with oneself. We cannot care for others if we are not able to care for ourselves. Just like in-flight safety videos that many of us globe-trotting travellers have seen: you put your oxygen mask on yourself first, before you put it on others. 

Joy (Muditā)

Joy does not need to exist only when life is going great; it can appear in the midst of life’s challenges. 

“I will be happy when…” or a variation of such a phrase is often said by many.

But the question is, when does that moment truly arrive? There’s always something new to achieve, a bigger mountain to scale, and the moon to land on.

Psychology calls this hedonic treadmill: the chase for new highs after getting used to what once brought joy. 

As Buddhists, we learn to remember impermanence. Can we be sure we will still be alive and healthy when that long-awaited moment finally arrives?

In the movie, the two brothers are caught off guard when the doctor declares that their mother has dementia. Simple moments, such as helping her put on make-up, having a meal together, and revisiting past moments to heal old wounds, turn out to be deeply meaningful and joyful. 

Many of us chase future happiness like securing our dream job, ideal partner or home. But is that happiness truly lasting? Happiness is subject to impermanence as well. Instead, we can learn to relish the flickers of joy in our present moments. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness starts with ourselves. A moment of enlightenment came to me when Jia Hao told his audience that he would stop sharing denigrating jokes about being a drag queen. Outwardly, he brushed off others’ insults of him and his drag queen peers, but inwardly, he carried internalised homophobia.

By letting go of the shame of being different, he began forgiving and loving himself for who he truly is. 

We can still love someone before we fully forgive them. Forgiveness is a process that we may have to revisit over time, but it does not stop us from extending kindness and compassion when needed. Jia Hao loved his mother for raising him despite the pain of being ostracised for being gay and performing drag. 

Forgiveness and love are not mutually exclusive emotions.

We can work towards understanding someone and still care for them while we heal. Our parents may not be around by the time we finish forgiving them for whatever “wrongs” they may have inflicted on us. 

Buddhist meditation teacher and former monk, Jeff Oliver, has an excellent e-book on “Forgiveness for Everyone,” if you are keen to further explore the practices of forgiveness. 

Non-Discrimination

“All You Need is Love” by the Beatles reminds us of an evergreen message. 

Love is love. Love wins. Love is like raindrops, falling on everyone without discrimination. 

The movie highlights the challenges LGBTQ+ individuals face while showing that they can express love, compassion, joy, and forgiveness, as well as a range of other emotions, just like anyone else. 

As the Buddha teaches, beyond gender, caste, or profession, we can learn to be kinder and more compassionate toward those around us, regardless of their sexual orientation. Respect and equality should not be reserved for Pride month alone. As wise Buddhist practitioners, may we aspire to be kind and compassionate for one and all. 

Sukhi hontu – May you be well and happy. 

Wise Steps

• What is one simple act of love you can offer your parents today?
• Are you doing what you can within your limits? Self-care is vital to avoid caregiver burnout.
• Have you paused to appreciate and relish the joy in your life today?

Resources for LGBTQIA+ Buddhist: https://rainbodhisg.com/resources/

Social Group for LGBTQIA+ Buddhists in Singapore:https://www.instagram.com/rainbodhisg