TLDR: This article looks at why we often struggle to say “no” or face uncomfortable conversations, even with loved ones. Drawing from his personal experiences and insights from the suttas, Wei Liang reflects on how people-pleasing can create stress and anxiety, and offers practical ways to meet expectations with greater kindness, wisdom, and ease.

Recognising the Burden of People-Pleasing

Have you found yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? On the surface, people-pleasing may look like kindness or generosity. But underneath, it can quietly drain our energy and fill our days with anxiety.

When every decision is shaped by how others might respond, we end up living in constant tension—always unsure if we are good enough, always measuring ourselves against shifting expectations.

The Buddha’s wisdom helps us see that being nice does not equate to acting in a beneficial way, and to reflect on how our need for approval can be a source of unhappiness when it depends on conditions outside our control.

When Niceness Get Tangled in Delusion

Sometimes, people-pleasing begins with beliefs that don’t line up with reality, what the Buddha calls delusion (moha).

We might think, “If I’m nice enough, I won’t be hurt or rejected.” It feels comforting to believe that kindness is a shield. Or we might assume, “I can control how others treat me.” The truth is, we can’t. Someone’s negative reactions may have nothing to do with us at all.

Seeing this clearly is a relief. It means we can stop carrying the impossible task of managing how everyone feels about us.

When Approval Becomes a Craving

Wanting to be liked is normal, it’s part of being human. But needing to be liked is where things start to hurt. This is craving (lobha), which can manifest as a restless reaching for approval.

In a previous job, I craved being seen as a “good employee.” I would take leave not to rest and recharge, but to block out my calendar from new tasks so I could work on existing ones. Underlying this behaviour was a need to be valued and viewed as competent. In reality, I was letting my work dictate my self-worth, which led to unhealthy work-life boundaries, frustration, and resentment.

Reflecting on that experience, I now see that self-approval, rooted in our principles and values, honesty about one’s limitations, and not being defined by failures, lasts far longer than the fleeting satisfaction of approval from others.

When Avoiding Conflict Closes Doors

Sometimes, people-pleasing takes the form of aversion (dosa). This can mean avoiding situations and conversations that feel uncomfortable.

Conflict avoidance can look like preserving harmony, but often it just postpones a conversation we know we need to have.

I struggle with talking to my family about changes in my life, such as changing jobs. I justify not communicating by telling myself, “They don’t need to know. I’ll just be nagged at, even though I’m being responsible with my choices.” But deep down, I know I am clinging to what I perceive as a comfortable status quo.

Staying quiet feels easier in the moment, but it also means missing opportunities to build trust and communication with those we love.

Reflecting on the Distinction Between “Nice” and Beneficial Conduct

One beautiful example of the Buddha’s wisdom comes from the Abhayarājakumārasutta (MN 58). A prince once asked him, “Sir, may the Realized One ever utter speech that is disliked by others?”

The Buddha didn’t give a categorical yes or no. Instead, he drew a distinction between speech that is pleasing, and speech that is true, correct, and beneficial, with the latter being what matters.

He drew an analogy to removing a stick or stone from a child’s mouth. The child might feel discomfort in the short term, but you would still remove the object, out of compassion.

For me, this shifts the focus. Instead of asking, “Will they like me if I say this?” I can ask, “Will this help?” It becomes a gentler, wiser compass.

Reflecting on Praise and Blame as Unreliable Conditions

In the Dutiyalokadhammasutta (AN 8.6), the Buddha talks about the “eight worldly conditions”:

• gain and loss
• fame and disrepute
• praise and blame
• pleasure and pain

These are forces that push and pull us through life. If you’ve ever had your mood lifted by praise, only to see it crash with a single word of criticism, you’ve felt these winds.

Praise and blame can feel important: who doesn’t want to be liked? Words of affirmation, a smile, a pat on the shoulder—all these can feel addictive. But the Buddha’s point is that praise and blame, like all conditions, are always shifting. You can’t control them any more than you can control the weather.

When we remember this, it becomes easier to let praise pass without clinging to it, and to face blame without buckling under its weight.

Finding the Middle Way

Letting go of people-pleasing doesn’t mean we stop caring about others. It means asking ourselves: Why do we care? And how can we care in a way that’s beneficial?

Asking these questions allows us to reflect on the motivations behind our behaviour, empowering us to act with wisdom instead of simply reacting to external forces.

We can still be warm and kind, without being dishonest or ignoring our boundaries. We can speak truthfully and skilfully, even when it’s uncomfortable.

When we pause to check our intentions, and measure our choices against our values instead of someone else’s approval, we feel steadier.

When delusion, craving and aversion lose their grip, praise and blame become just weather—passing overhead. And kindness stops being a survival tactic, returning to what it truly is: a gift, freely given.

Wise Steps

We can begin applying the Buddha’s wisdom by noticing our tendencies to please, and taking small, steady steps to change how we interact with approval and critics.

• Take a pause. Before agreeing to something, take a few mindful breaths. Notice whether your “yes” comes from care or from fear of disapproval.
• Spot the winds. Each time you receive praise or criticism, silently note, This is just a passing breeze. See if you can let the impulse to hold on or to shrink away pass without reacting.
• Speak one gentle truth. Once a day, share something honest that you might normally keep to yourself. You can start by sharing these words with yourself, and later with others if you feel ready. Choose kindness in your tone, but clarity in your words.